wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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