So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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