i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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