Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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