A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
