You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
