Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
