So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
