a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
