Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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