How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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