if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
