I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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