my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
