I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
