he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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