how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
