Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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