our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
