Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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