dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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