I wish I could punch you in the face.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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