He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
