I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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