you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
