If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
