So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
