I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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