In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
