This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
