A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
