if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
