I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
