Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
