I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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