and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
