my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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