ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
