Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't trust your balls anymore.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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