Farmville is her only friend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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