you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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