if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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