WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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