He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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