she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
