ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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