What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
