This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
