Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
