It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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