You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
