she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
