I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't deserve a penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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