Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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