is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
