May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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