An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
