I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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