My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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