I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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